Sexy Friends.

Hoorah! I've only been promising this for 21 months and it's taken a day of the most atrocious weather, but finally I've got round to it. It's time for some Friend Sex! ...
... Well, writing about it anyway.

I'm pretty positive about the whole thing actually, partly because it's something I've enjoyed a number of times in the past and also because I've got some seriously sexy friends! You know who you are - I've probably told you.

Okay, kidding aside because I'm not trying to get laid here (Well ... mayb ... no! Behave!) it's time for a few helpful definitions.

Sex!

Many people have friends they find attractive, and often that attraction is mutual. I can think of a couple of examples in my own life without trying. Most people probably can.
So, imagine a situation where you've been out with a friend and are on your way home, let's say the heady atmosphere of a nightclub. It's been warm and a bit sweaty, you're (at least) slightly drunk, the people were gorgeous - especially through beer goggles - and, frankly, you're gagging for it! You and your friend happen to look deeply into each other's eyes and think, "Sod it! Why not?"

Okay that's just a simple and facile example, but it's not an uncommon experience with a multitude of variations. It doesn't even have to be two people either - I'm inclined to think that experimental threesomes are probably more common that pairings in the complex and wonderful world of Friend Sex.

Love!

I'm also inclined to place Friend Sex under the capacious umbrella of Polyamory. Why? Because it involves love. I've written about Polyamory elsewhere so I'm not going to go into it here. I am going to examine love a little though.

I've noticed that in the Occult community many people consider love to have the four forms using the Ancient Greek names codified and analysed by such luminaries as Socrates, Plato and Aristotle - Agape, Eros, Philia and Storge (G'wan, look 'em up). We can be a conservative bunch sometimes.
What utter bloody nonsense! We may only have one word for it in English, but there are as many types of love as you, personally, can think of and experience. Simply because some dried-up, old, Athenian pederast could only come up with four and wrote them down doesn't make it true. All it proves is that he had the "emotional depth of a teaspoon"
(Nothing wrong with pederasty above the age of consent, by the way. I'm just feeling a little iconoclastic today)

Friend Sex, therefore involves love, or at least should. It's simply an extension of that love between friends into a more physical experience. Sometimes once, sometimes as a long-standing arrangement. Some people have "fuck buddies", for instance. Personally I wouldn't dream of referring to any friend by such a crude term, but it certainly does what it says on the tin.
This - to me anyway - makes the whole Friend Sex thing a positive experience. Unfortunately, there are at least two sides to every story.

Ooops!

I'm going to tell a little parable now about a couple of mutual friends. Just so you know, I haven't slept with either of them ... although that's an intriguing thought! Anyway, it was a chat with the first of these friends a couple of months ago which reminded me about writing this post. The people involved will recognise themselves, I'm sure, so I'm going to attempt to keep this as anonymous as possible for their sake.

It was after an event a couple of years ago, with an outcome not unlike the nightclub example I gave above. She is an extremely intelligent, educated, attractive and well-adjusted adult woman and she was feeling bloody horny! He is an extremely intelligent, educated and attractive adult man, who was attracted to her.
So, they went for it. Good for them! - Or it would have been, if he had been as emotionally well-adjusted and in control as she was.
It turned out that where she believed she had been completely clear on the casual and friendly nature of the sexual encounter, he had interpreted the whole experience rather differently. Perhaps she wasn't clear (I doubt that) or perhaps because of his emotional difficulties he could only hear what he wanted to hear. Either way, though, it led to problems. He was left feeling rejected while she had to start avoiding him just for a bit of peace.

Communication!

As the above example shows, it all comes down to communication. How do we know that when we say "I love you" or "I fancy you" the person hearing it understands what we mean?
We tend to communicate badly about emotions and sex. I'm as guilty of this as anyone - I'm English, male and middle-aged. Talk about emotions? Err, no! Talk about sex? Meaningfully that is, not mucky jokes with your pals. Dear me, how embarrassing! Maybe if I get drunk first.

As usual, I don't have any answers. Questions and perhaps even suggestions, but no answers.
Is Friend Sex a good thing? I think so, but then I've only had good experiences (apart from one minor problem which was, of course, down to a lack of communication!)
Do we need to talk about these things? Yes, but don't ask me how.

Sex is very strange experience because it's entirely what you make of it. To some it's nothing but a bit of harmless fun, to others it's the seal of a monogamous relationship; to some it's a filthy burden, and to others it's the ultimate sacred act. Sometimes it's all those things and more to the same person.

So, here's to loving, pleasurable and, above all, properly understood Friend Sex.
Gissa kiss!

Love,
Seán